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Just to Die

There are many days when I STILL just want to die after all that has happened in my life. Yet somehow, Jesus continues to give me joy, strength, and breath in my lungs, thereby fascilitating a reason and purpose for my life on this Earth. It's not all bad because I do have an amazing son who is my greatest blessing in this world! The times when he drives me nuts are still great because I love him so much and wouldn't exchange him for anything else in this world!

The difficulty is in dealing with a constant pain and sorrow over what I have lost. God's word talks about marriage being two people becoming one and for me there is no longer a one, because it has been destroyed, ripped apart, decimated into utter oblivion. I would much rather lose a limb than to have to endure this pain I feel everyday. The pain of my soul being torn in two, at least that's what it feels like.

For some reason, God has continually given me lots of love towards this person. The same love that I know Jesus shows us because Jesus constantly loves in spite of all the things we do that hurt Him. Unconditional love that is unrelenting and overflowing to the point of seeming crazy. Crazy because there is no logic or sense to love anything or anybody that causes you pain. I strive to show this love to everyone but I'm not perfect, obviously, and sometimes I do the wrong thing. Nevertheless, I still strive to give my all everyday, attempting to put others first and some days I fail and some days I succeed.

The most important thing I have learned when it comes to love is that there is always hope. Hope for improvement, hope for something better, hope for healing, hope for reconciliation, hope for a better day tomorrow than today (joy comes in the morning) and a hope that love can and always will be there everyday. No matter the circumstance, regardless of the pain, there is always hope because there is always love when that love is an everlasting love that comes from Jesus for us to pour out onto others.

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